My appointment with my cardiologist yesterday was unfortunately uneventful. Meaning he cannot fix me - beyond waiting for the Cardiazem to kick in and keep my heartrate under control. I was instructed to stay in bed for the next three days while I wait. So I am trying to do that as much as possible.
The nightlight is back in the bathroom (so I can tell if my vision is darkening during the night - the sign that I am about to faint). I sit at the edge of the bed for 5 minutes before getting up to the bathroom. All so I do not break another toilet with my head.
A few pictures of joy (making pies with my children a few short days ago) - because that is what is in me as I lie in bed. Fear swells as my heart races, and Christ calms the fear with a whisper...for every heart beat, however fast, means I have been given the gift of another hour here. I am so grateful. When my heart slows again, the fear returns, for your heart feels silent and still when it beats normally after so many quivering, flipping beats so much more thunderous to your sensation. So I close my eyes, and breathe in and out, a kind of "pinch me so I know this is real" motion that I do for myself. Yes, I am still breathing. The world is still spinning. And I am still conscious, on it, aware, wonderfully, blissfully alive another day.